Coming Out

I only came out in February of this year, 2016, which was seven months ago. That is, I only finally admitted it to myself in February. Within a month to about six weeks after that, I had told my family, friends, and blasted it to Facebook.

It took me until I was 26 and finally independent of everything I knew in my life to finally admit it to myself. Which is fine. Everyone's process is different. Some people are out at 6, 16, 26, or 46. My whole process probably started when I was 14 or so. Although I think I had a small crush on a girl in the eighth grade, I was also really into the male body. How or why I "became" gay isn't all that important, in the end. The point is, I am now, and it is what it is.

I kept giving myself excuses as to why I wasn't going out with any girls. Oh, I would say to myself, Boys are stupid when they're in relationships. I don't want that. I'm above that. At the end of high school, it was I'm going to BYU here pretty soon, and I don't have time for a relationship. Eventually it progressed to, Oh, I'm going on a mission pretty soon. Don't want to distract myself. But after that great mission (in Rancagua, Chile!), my final justification for celibacy was Oh, school is really hard and I just need to focus and graduate. To be fair, an electrical engineering degree is really hard; I was exhausted constantly.

Once I graduated, I moved to Tucson for an internship with Raytheon. I had a great time, met some wonderful people, made my first real paycheck, and I even met a super cool girl. And had I been required to date one girl during my time there, it would've definitely been her. We shall name her Kristina. She was cute, fun, fun to talk to, had some goals, wanted to move to my stomping grounds (in Washington state!), and was just really nice. But wouldn't you know it, I had one more excuse in the back of my mind. Oh, I can't go out with her. I'll be leaving Tucson for grad school at BYU at the end of the summer, and don't want to lead her on.

Well, I left Tucson, moved back to Provo...and instantly regretted being there. Wow, I didn't want to be there. I don't know what it was, but as soon as I drove in, I thought about all the irritation I'd had with some of the administration (another story for another time) and the overall culture of the institution which reflected, in my opinion, many of the worst parts of Mormon culture (also another story for another time). I just did not want to go back to that. So, I ditched the masters program for now, and started looking for a job. When nothing showed up, I finally just emailed Raytheon again, and they took me back immediately, and even with a raise! Score.

So, I moved to Tucson permanently in January 2016. There I was: financially independent, a bunch of time on my hands, with no one to take care of but myself. Time to date girls, right? Well...I was attracted to my roommate. Crap!

To be fair, we basically were acting like a couple. We would go out to eat together, go to plays and festivals, blah blah blah. It was all way too cute. Oh, and he ALWAYS walked around the house with his shirt off. But he was straight as an arrow. Sigh. We gays have it so hard sometimes.

Anyway, I finally admitted to myself that I was gay, and thus began an extremely stressful month. Lots of anxiety, I couldn't focus on work, and it all just seemed so hopeless. For you see, I was not so much concerned with how others would perceive me. Rather, I was concerned with how I would be able to reconcile my faith and sexuality. These worlds seemed so dichotomous, so impossibly separated, so problematic, as indeed the overarching narrative seems to be in various realms of the Internet, that it was causing extreme cognitive dissonance. I have a testimony or central belief in what the church teaches. And therefore, the biggest area of concern was my relationship with God, not my peers. Not that I'm saying others don't have a testimony if they're more frightened of their peer rejection when coming out. It was just where my focus was.

Well, I determined that, before I try to tackle this monstrous beast on my own, I would need to enlist the support of others. So, I talked to my family. And I told them in a very specific order. First, I told my inactive and vocal LGBT activist sister, Stephanie; I figured I would play it safe by talking to someone who already supported anything LGBT. She, of course, was wonderfully supportive, and so happy for me.

Round 1. Done. On to Round 2.

Next, I told my inactive father. Ironically, Steph couldn't hold it in after I told her, and went to go pre-game my dad before I told him that evening. According to the narrative of my dad, Stephanie brought him in to a room, closed the door, and was "physically shaking with excitement." I don't know all that was said in that discussion, but I imagine Stephanie just wanted to make sure my dad would totally be okay with it, that he should think about what he wanted to say before I told him, etc.

When I called my dad, I started off, of course, with some awkward and forced small talk about the day, and how I just wanted to, you know, catch up or something. Finally, after about five minutes, my dad said, "You know, Sam. You can just tell me. Stephanie already told me."

Puke puke puke, vomit vomit vomit. Totally caught off guard, I was like, "Oh...so yeah...I'm gay..." And my dad said he was so happy I finally came out, and in fact, that he was so nervous I would just marry a woman. I wasn't surprised. After all, in the past, I think he asked me twice point blank if I was gay. I always denied it of course. Funny how people pick up on it before the individual in question does.

Round 3 was my other sister Alaina. She used to be a little more high-strung in her life. Luckily, I think squeezing out a few kids has made her just chill the f*** out. She no longer has the energy to sweat the small stuff. She still has her moments, but she's definitely changed her overall attitude to life. In the past, like my father, she also asked me if I was gay. So I figured I would let her know, since she suspected it anyway. She was cool with it, as I expected her to be. She's attended Landmark Forum, which is some crazy self-help thing that I never participated in, but which she says saved her marriage. So she's all into discovering your true self, not caring about others' opinions, understanding one's weaknesses, etc.

The final two Rounds of this existential boxing match were the most nerve-wracking. Round 4 was my older brother, Ben. Bless his heart, but I've always thought Ben to be the most square of all of us. He likes to tow the line, obey commandments, seek God. He's a deeply spiritual person.

That's fine, of course. But it did make me a little nervous. I called him, let him know, and he paused. I heard an audible "Hm" from the other end of the phone. "Well, Sam, do you think you could ever marry a woman?" He mentioned a blog by Josh Weed that he had read; Josh Weed is gay and in a mixed-orientation marriage, and seems to be very happy. However, I told my brother, that that was not in my future right now. I've tried to date girls, but it just didn't work.

I did go to the Josh Weed blog. But after a post and a half of reading. I started feeling depressed. So, that was that.

Finally, I had to tell my mother. A wonderful woman, full of energy, makes music, believes in God, seeks supreme love, and eats spoonfuls of straight cake frosting if the occasion presents itself. We kids always watch this in horror. Anyway, my sister told me to expect Mom to bawl. So I was nervous.

However, I told her, and her reaction greatly surprised me. There was a choked up moment, but not because of some hellfire concern for my salvation, or that she had failed me somehow; but rather because she felt so horrible for me that I had to go through this. She'd already done extensive reading on the topic, and wondered, "Why can't these gay people just grow up outside the church, where they don't have the added emotional stress of ecclesiastical and spiritual pain?"

She was so concerned just for ME, and it was so wonderful and surprising. Here, my mother did not judge, did not think about any consequences other than how I would personally move through this. And it was amazing.

Are we at a point where our first thought when we encounter others is, "How are they doing?" Really honestly, where are they at, and how can I show I care? Is it ever really a time to bring in scriptural or prophetic words to justify ones own belief? Or is there more a time for simple empathy? In the end, their choices and life experiences will not affect my own salvation. What will affect my salvation is whether I showed I cared for that person IN SPITE of the choices they're making or the questions they are wrestling with. As demonstrated by my glorious mother, I would hope I and we can simply set aside whatever differences we think we have, and simply learn of and with each other.

Introduction and Ideas for Further Discussion

Hi, I'm Sam. I'm gay. I'm LDS (Mormon). And that's really complicated.

I'm also a violinist, exuberant with my hands, totally into Sondheim musicals, trying to get a healthier lifestyle of diet and exercise going, and I'm a software engineer at Raytheon Missile Systems in Tucson, AZ. These aren't the sum total of everything I am, of course. But they're a small smattering.

As an introductory entry, I am simply going to outline the next several posts. My mom thinks I should write a book. Yeah, maybe. So I figure this is a good place to start putting things on (virtual) paper.

I'm going to start by giving backstory: coming out, what that all meant, maybe even give some history leading up to that point. Then, and more importantly, I want to delve into the spiritual insights and thoughts I've had as I've pondered, questioned, studied some, and found some answers to all this that have brought me immeasurable more peace than I had initially upon coming out. By no means do I have all the answers. But I hope one will be able to recognize that I have found enough answers, and addressed enough doubt, that there is more to this world than a black and white separation of Mormons and gays, despite the .org website of the same name (literally, mormonsandgays.org).

Anyway, if you will bear with me, and not endeavor to close the webpage because something I say doesn't immediately jive with your present reality, I hope that I can also help you learn, and think, and ponder, and question things to an extent that you will open your heart and mind to consider the possibilities of inclusion and respect that we gay members so desperately need.